Travelling at the moment. I was in Byron Bay yesterday visiting the TARDIS toilet for a number 2. The public toilet, sitting sternly just up from the main beach, is testament to technology gone slightly mad. If you don’t know Byron Bay then it’s a famous beach, surfing, green, bogan, older yuppie destination in Australia, chock full of tourist. Gorgeous to look at but far removed from the true blue Aussie, drugged out, surfing, hippy days of yesteryear.

Anyway the public dunnies are straight out of Doctor Who. Firstly they are huge: bigger on the inside than out – I swear – you could fit a bus in there. Upon entering, the female version of HAL from 2001 A Space Oddessy (HEN I will call her), welcomes you into her sacred space and informs you in dulcet tones, that you have 10 mins to do your business before the door to the outside world and waiting onlookers automatically opens.

So I got down to business and a few minutes later (10 mins HEN come off it!!) HEN informs me that if I didn’t move about to signify that I am still in her abode, she will open the doors exposing me to the eagerly waiting crowd. So with pants down around my ankles I stood up and waddled about. She thanked me and said I had 3 more minutes. I sat back down hurrying to get the business done and had a little trouble with the automatic toilet paper dispenser. It made the sound of a diesel truck and no paper was coming so I had to stick my hand up into it and pull. Sorting that out, I then discovered there was no flush button – oh the sign says toilet will flush when I wash my hands. I was over to the sink to the automatic soap hand wash dispenser and automatic water tap and automatic dryer. With my hands under the dispenser I waited for the soap – nothing. So then I stuck my hand under the tap and water eventually came out so I washed my hands (the toilet flushed – hooray). I hiked over to the automatic door and pushed the button. HEN thanked me for my custom and I was out, free to join the tourist rabble.

My partner asked me why the grin on my face. I said I just visited another dimension in a TARDIS but was very happy to be back on planet earth.