Messiahs, Redeemers and Other Part Time Jobs

stu-working-london-newRepublished © Stuart Wilde – Note from CJWild: This is a Stuart Wilde article so the views expressed in the text are not necessarily my own.

The Jews believe that the Messiah will return and that he will walk through a door in Jerusalem that is currently bricked up and he will redeem them. Given that they killed the last Messiah, it would seem that being Messiah to the Jews is a part-time job with no long-term retirement prospects. The Messiah obviously has to be a spiritual being. It’s hard to imagine who would want the job.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses also believe that the Messiah will come and raise them up-there are about 10 million Jehovah´s Witnesses, and we’ll be able to wave them good-bye as they take altitude.

I don’t want to be uncharitable, but if you’ve ever answered the door to those pasty-faced characters in polyester suits right in the middle of the most exciting part of the Cup Final, you, like me, might be very pleased to see them go.

Now, at about a hundred miles up, the JWs are going to be in orbit. How they manage for oxygen and so forth isn’t properly explained, but let’s presume the Messiah is supernatural enough to overcome minor technical difficulties.

Ten million people in orbit are going to cause a shadow to fall upon the ground, so every 90 minutes your neighborhood will go terribly dark. People unaware of what’s happening may become rather frightened, but you’ll be able to explain that the JWs are passing overhead and blocking the sun, and that it’s all a marvellous ploy to improve global warming. And with millions of copies of the Watch Tower circling the earth, trees here on the ground will breathe a sigh of relief. Redemption seems beneficial for the eco-system. Nice.

Other Christian sects like the Mormons also believe in a Redeemer that will raise them up, leaving the Jehovah´s Witnesses and everyone else on the ground, so redemption seems a bit competitive. Oh dear. Christian churches that are ever so slightly less insane say that Jesus will return and raise up the faithful. That does not include non-Christians, but it is a bit more encompassing. However, to be a member of the faithful all you have to do is believe in this elitist bullshit. You don’t have to be a nice person, nor live your life by spiritual ideals. So you could be an elitist, racist, redneck slob and go to church on Sunday and you will be raised up. It seems unlikely, but then this redemption business is fraught with misinformation.

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What I find very reassuring for the long-term future of the planet is that the Catholics say the world can’t end until everyone is Roman Catholic. I like that. I hope it is true. For only the truly demented would want to become Catholic in today’s environment, so it means the world will last and last. In fact, if the Catholics are right the world will go on forever if recent form is anything to go by.

If you are Moslem, it’s all very sensible. You don’t have to mess with waiting for the Redeemer. Instead you tie a few sticks of jelly to your waist and blow up a few Jewish folk and you are home free. This theory is based on the idea that God is pissed off with the Jews; I can’t say if I know if that is right or not. But the last time I had a drink in the Redeemer’s Club, no one would touch the Jews with a barge pole-redemption-wise.

I argued on behalf of the Jews, saying Sharon is a raving psychopath, but lots of Jews aren’t into Israel and some are fairly sweet, so surely someone ought to at least redeem those. In the middle of the discussions Jesus walked in and said, “Stuie Brother, what are you doing here?”

“JC! Where the f*@#k have you been?” I said. “I’m sorting out this redemption BS. Any chance of you going back for the Jews a second time?”

JC winced and said, “Enough already ma son. You handle it Stuie.”

I said, “Listen up Bubba, I was thinking of an African Redeemer as that would really get up the noses of the white red-neck Christians in America. What do you think of that JC?”

“It won’t work. Most of the black Americans believe in a white Redeemer. If one of their own showed up, they’d be very disappointed. They don’t believe in their own people, only other people.”

“Well, what about a female Redeemer?” I wondered. “Nice change from the norm.”

“Naah,” said JC. “There is an acceptance issue, most of the world is still sexist. Also, the Redeemer will be very powerful. Sometimes when women get a bit of power, they tend to go nuts and take vengeance on everyone, or they become catty, or they become impossible drama queens. Just look at the antics of female pop stars. And anyway, the Goddess vibe is sacred and holy and secret. If we have a female Messiah in human form it might give the game away. The Goddess is our last line of defense against the forces of darkness, we can’t risk it.”

I thanked JC for his advice and slugged down the last drops of my Benedictine, which is what JC likes to drink with Sprite, and off I went.

I was on a bus in Greece, traveling with some French girls from the gay acupuncturist’s club of Avignon. They were all middle-aged, rather chubby, and terribly sweet. I had this idea of a gay male as a Redeemer, and I thought if I could sell the idea to the girls, then I’d be one step closer to completing my mission. After I explained that Jesus had nixed the idea of a female Redeemer on technical grounds, the girls all thought a gay male would be second best. I must say I liked the idea a lot, as if I couldn’t use a black man to get up the noses of the rednecks, a gay would be a worthy substitute.

By now, I’d decided we need two Redeemers, one for the Jews and one for everyone else.

I started looking for a spiritual, gay male, about thirty-three years old. He had to be humble and well balanced; I wasn’t going to stand for any queeny fits when things didn’t go all his way. The other thing I knew was that he had to have eloquence and it was very important that he smoked, and drank alcohol and coffee.

I know this bit sounds odd, but if you have read my articles about the ghouls you will know that small amounts of nicotine*, caffeine and alcohol are vital to survival. Anyone that doesn’t have that in their blood will never get through, as they are wide open to the ghouls. That is why non-smoking is promoted so heavily in America, where they also frown on alcohol and they like to drink decaffeinated coffee, which is made with formaldehyde. Deadly. The ghouls have made sure the whole of California is an executive lounge for the Devil and no protectors can get in to rescue anyone. So California has become one of their main prisons.

I toyed with the idea of an American Redeemer as they are so good at show biz and talking on the telly, and they always seem so confident in themselves. But I nixed that idea, for I was worried about their tendency to turn everything into a moneymaking venture. I didn’t want the Redeemer endorsing Nike, like that cheesy black kid that gets 50 million for putting golf balls in little holes, while wearing a Nike cap.

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Anyway, first things first. I needed a gay male for the Christians, good-looking, about thirty-three, humble, not into money or Nike, a smoker, drinker and coffee lover, that was not a Jehovah´s Witness, or Mormon, or Jewish. The gentile, non-Jewish thing was vital, for if he were Jewish they would instantly claim him as their Messiah and as soon he realised that he would freak out and split to the other world double-quick, and I’d have to start all over again. This redeemer business is so much more complicated than it initially looks.

Here’s something about the Redeemer that perhaps you don’t know yet. Most Redeemers live ordinary lives, hidden away. This is because they have to forget who they really are and experience being rejected and vilified and spat upon, and, they have to experience the pain and suffering of humanity in order to understand why a bunch of fuckwits like us are even worth redeeming.

The Nazarene was an ordinary bloke until he bumped into John the Baptist at the Jordan River. John the Baptist had this cool trick whereby he’d push people under water there until they almost drowned, and they would see God and the near-death tube, and the transdimensional worlds. Then he would bring them out and give them a whack on the back and return them to the earth plane, very much better for the spiritual experience.

He did the same for the Nazarene who came out of the water as the Redeemer, Jesus the Christ, the solar logos. A dove flew from him-remember that-it’s important. And a voice was heard saying, ‘See this bloke here that’s sopping wet and half dead? Well he’s a cool dude, and I am terribly pleased at how things are going.’

The voice turned out to be God, who was hanging out down that way because of John the Baptist’s near-death trick. Now the divine energy of God did not descend upon the Nazarene-it flew out of him, meaning that it was always there. It was just that in the baptism, the crown chakra of the Nazarene disconnected and suddenly the Godforce was radiant for everyone to see.*

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I found my gay male Redeemer, and he was a smoker and he didn’t like golf, and he had all the necessary attributes. So I said to him, “Listen up Bubba. I have built this beautiful mansion for you in Australia. Why don’t you go down there and sort yourself out? And I’ll organise the baptism and the solar logos a bit later.”

He was an Australian from Newcastle, so he liked the idea of a place in the Australian bush. But he said to me in one of his more vulnerable moments, “Stuie, I am a bit scared of this baptism thing. What if you stuff it up?”

Of course, I have never done a baptism a la John the Baptist, so I was a bit worried about it myself. So I said, “Look, see that crooked tooth in your upper jaw? Why don’t we put you under, pull it out, and give you a new one, and I’ll sort out the solar logos, Christ consciousness while you are under the anaesthetic?”

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Just outside the Member’s Bar at the Redeemer’s Club, there’s a shady balcony surrounded by jacaranda trees. What’s weird about the trees, is that in 10-D, they are always in bloom. That’s so nice. I was sitting there one day enjoying a cigar, patting myself silently on the back, when I heard a voice behind me. It was Jesus, the old one from biblical days. I explained to him how excited I was that I had found the redeemer, and that he was Australian and everything was sorted, tickety-boo and almost ready to go.

JC says, “That’s nice Stu, but what are you going to do about the Jews?” I must say in my exuberance I had completely forgotten about the Jews. I said to JC, “I can’t find anybody that will agree to redeem the Jews. Finding a Christian Redeemer was complicated enough.”

I told Jesus that I had sorted the Christians with a gay male, smoker, drinker, blah blah, and all the other qualities, and I asked him what he thought the qualities of the Jewish Redeemer ought to be.

Jesus said, “I think you are going to need a gentile.”

“Why?” I asked.

JC said, “Only a gentile can redeem the Jews, because if their Redeemer were Jewish they would waft off on their ‘chosen people’ bullshit, and we’d never get ’em back. Other than that, the only other quality the Redeemer needs is to be able to walk through the wall in Jerusalem.”

Then Jesus gave me a very spooky look, and I became as white as a sheet. Trembling, I dropped my cigar. I knew where Jesus’ mind was going and I didn’t like it one bit.

Jesus raised an eyebrow in my direction and said, “Brother Stuie, haven’t you been through a wall once, three years ago?”

I was hoping to disavow all knowledge of the event, but when dealing with the real Jesus, it’s jolly hard to lie and get away with it. So I spluttered a feeble “Yes JC, I did go through a wall once in New Orleans. It was an accident and totally spontaneous, and I have no idea how I would ever do that a second time.”

JC put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. There was a lot of compassion in his eyes. And then he said, “Stuie, that was no accident.”

I threw up, just missing his Prada sandals by inches. After I recovered I said, “Listen JC, Jerusalem is far too dangerous, and if those spooky dudes with the funny hats, dreadlock ringlets, and the heavy overcoats find out their Redeemer is a gentile, I’d get my arse kicked in double-quick. They are not exactly famous for being nice to people.”

“Okay,” said JC. “Scrub that idea. You can always ditch the Jews and let the
transdimensional ghouls fry ’em. Or, if you do care for the decent Jews as you say you do, and if you can’t find a Redeemer for them, then you, Stuie, are the One.”

In this transcendental business you have good days and bad days, and that afternoon under the jacaranda trees, on the veranda at the Redeemer’s Club, stands out as positively the worst day of my life.

If any of you is a male, a gentile, and if you can walk through a wall, I have some part-time work for you.** I don’t have another mansion to give you, but I can promise you an eternal membership to the Redeemer’s Club, and all your drinks ‘on the house’ forever and ever, amen.

*Three days before a person dies their crown chakra disconnects. Because everything in this world happens in the Dreamscape before it happens here, people know inwardly they are about to die and so nothing is a surprise.

When the Redeemer’s chakra disconnects in the baptism process described above, it hovers over the bloke’s head about four inches off his skull. He’s here in 3-D and not here. The chakra seems to rotate very quickly as if it were moving in two directions at once. I think this is either an optical illusion just as the spokes of a wheel can be seem to be moving backwards while actually rolling forwards. Or the two directions of motion is due to the fact that 10-D is at right angles to our 3-D world.

* (Editor’s Note: While Stuie thinks incense and smoke are good anti-ghoul deterrents, he doesn’t recommend that you start smoking unless you are naturally born to it, as it doesn’t help your health very much.)

**If you happen to be an English-speaking German with a warm heart that would be beyond perfect. Thank-you so much.

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Categories: Funny, Religion

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